you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize