Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
