Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
