I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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