you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
