My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Randomize
