tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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