Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
