My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
