apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
