i barfeds in our rink
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize