I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
