dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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