theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
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