My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Randomize
