I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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