Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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