Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
