whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
