dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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