I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
