i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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