so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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