After last night, I could never be a politician.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
