You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
