And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Randomize
