Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
