I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Randomize
