I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
