remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
