She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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