Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Randomize
