just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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