My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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