You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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