We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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