Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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