I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
