this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
