my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
