my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
