Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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