I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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