At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
