you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
