Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
