Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
