Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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