This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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