three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
