I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
