I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
