Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
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