I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
