your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Randomize
